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Mail columnist Peter Crouch on life after football

by Jonathan Dryer (2020-06-06)

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Peter Crouch has always been known as the most chilled-out man in football. In February one sports commentator suggested the ex-England player turned hilarious Daily Mail columnist was so laid-back he could serve as a draft excluder (given that he's 6ft 7in tall). 

That was February though. Pre-lockdown. In the meantime, the father-of-four has discovered the joys of home schooling. 

There have been tears, tantrums and theatrical stomping from the room - and that's from him!

He tells me he and his wife Abbey (Clancy, the model and former Strictly winner) played paper-scissors-stone to decide who would have which child in their home ‘classroom'. 

Father-of-four Peter Crouch, 39, revealed he's been spending lockdown homeschooling his children Sophia, nine, and Liberty, four. Pictured: Peter Crouch and his wife Abbey Clancy attending Warner Music Group Summer party in association with British GQ and Quintessentially on July 6, 2016 in London

Their school-aged children are Sophia, nine, and Liberty, four. 

‘I got the nine-year-old - the more taxing one. Actually, I've been enjoying that. I love the English. The maths is OK. It takes a bit of patience, but we're OK. I'm learning, actually.'

What about little Liberty? Poor Abbey, it seems. 

‘The four-year-old's attention span is slightly lower, let's put it like that. I've had a go but I ended up storming out. 

'That's bad, tour sapa từ hà nội isn't it? You look back and tour sapa see this little girl with her head on the desk, breathing upside down or something.'





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There are two more children in the mix. Johnny is two and baby Jack will turn one next month. Blimey. 

So how would he sum up lockdown parenthood? Perhaps he speaks for us all. 

‘I love it. And I hate it. Maybe I loved it more at the start, but there are days when I think, "Get me out of this house!"

‘Obviously I'm getting to spend a lot more time with the kids, which is brilliant. It makes you focus, realise what's important in life. But with four of them there's no let-up. 

Peter, who pens a column for the Daily Mail, admits Abbey's need to have a tidy house drives him up the wall. Pictured: Peter at The King Power Stadium in Leicester on September 21, 2019

When we get them all in bed at night we collapse on the sofa and open some wine. It's like a mini-celebration - every night! - that we've survived another day.'

How true! How funny! How very Peter Crouch.

This is the man whose Daily Mail column Ask Crouchie! sees him not only reveal footie secrets like his own hand of God moment, but also address left-field questions from readers such as which flavour of crisps should go in a sandwich (answer, cheese and onion with cheese, roast chicken with chicken, obviously).

It's hard to have a conversation with him and not come away thinking one thing: someone please give this man his own show. 

Abbey tries to tidy the play room with the kids in it 

Abbey should be a part of it too. On paper their marriage - millionaire footballer and leggy model - sounds predictably yawn, but the way Peter, 39, tells it, it's charming and hilarious. 

He confides that Abbey's need to have a tidy house, even with four kids and a hulking ex-footballer in it, drives him up the wall.

‘She wants everything to be tidy. Every room has to be perfect. She tries to tidy the play room when the kids are in it! I had to tell her to calm down with the cleaning. 

'"Leave it! It's carnage, but it'll be carnage again tomorrow." Does she listen? No. She's in charge of all the house stuff.' I suspect Abbey is in charge, full stop.

Peter has been given his own primetime show on BBC1, featuring music, comedy, banter and the possibility of dancing. Pictured: Peter dancing at Old Trafford 

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